The Walking Dead returns tonight with a shiny new episode. Many fans can’t wait, so I’m going to satisfy their curiosity with my Official The Walking Dead Predictions, which are based on nothing official other than I officially want to make them.

Prediction #1- Rick is highly displeased to discover that there is virtually no food in the prison. The surviving prisoners raided the grain stores early in the Walker Apocalypse and cooked it all up in their homemade still. Having a lot of product and very few customers, they are delighted to meet Hershel, who immediately trades them Maggie in exchange for a mason jar full of hootch. Maggie, tired of Glenn telling her that he’s inspecting her for scratches when she thinks he wants to get jiggy, does not object.

Prediction #2- Daryl returns to his convict roots and hooks up with an inmate named “Big Arrow.” Carol, realizing finally that her relationship with a gay man was her way of repressing her own sexuality, disappears while looking for the women’s wing.  Her friends, fed up with searching for members of the Peletier family, do not go looking for her.

Prediction #3- T-Dog will say very little, if anything. He IS the black guy and is lucky to still be on the show at all.

Prediction #4- Rick will spend the episode gnawing on Hershel’s amputated leg and screaming, “Fuck off!  I’m tired of taking care of you!” at everyone.

Prediction #5- Andrea and Michonne will have three minutes of airtime this week rather than two.

Prediction #6- Lori Grimes, terrified that the new life in her womb is actually new death in her womb, takes a renewed interest in her son, Carl.  Carl is mortified by being forced to wear diapers in front of his love interest, Beth Greene.  In attempt to look more mature, Carl paints a mustache on his upper lip and insists that everyone refer to him as “Dirty Sanchez.”

The season opener left us with one of the most memorable lines in television history…”Holy Shit.” Hopefully my predictions will prove to be true and this episode will be equally memorable.

Anybody else got any predictions?