It’s nearly 2013. Fuck you, Mayans, we made it. In honor of the special occasion of us all being alive and not cosmic cinders, the Zombie Report would like to present…
The Five Greatest Zombie Moments of 2012
5. The Discovery Channel finally gave the zombie apocalypse the respect it deserves and showed us scientists on the same show with people who hoard weapons and passionately debate whether or not they can bear to shoot their families when they get bit.
4. Filmmaker Joss Whedon endorsed Mitt Romney for President because he’d be the candidate most likely to bring about the zombie apocalypse. Romney lost, in spite of Whedon’s help.
3. Marina Bridges and J. W. Manus published the ebook, ZOMBIES TAKE MANHATTAN! (you seriously didn’t think I’d leave myself out.)
2. Most of Ronald Poppo’s face was chewed off by Rudy Eugene in a bizarre Miami, Florida zombie attack. Police had to shoot Eugene multiple times before he ceased and desisted and died. There were cries that the zombie apocalypse was upon us, but Eugene took the reason behind his actions to his grave without infecting any of the rest of us.
1. AMC’s The Walking Dead killed off the character that hero Rick and the entire country loved most…T-Dog. In spite of hardly ever having lines or anything to do, T-Dog won the hearts of the country by being a black guy in a zombie entertainment who didn’t die immediately. Rick’s wife, Lori, also died, but eh, nobody much cared. Here are all of T-Dog’s lines from Season Two of the top series. All five minutes of them.
Welcome to 2013, you survivors. Be sure to stay with a buddy and aim for the head.
However, I’m also apprehensive. I remember the red coal hot barbeque fork tines of disappointment that poked my eyes out during the Season 2 premiere when the zombie herd staggered right past the bleeding T-Dog. In Season 1, characters had covered themselves in zombie guts so they could walk through Atlanta. The team that produces THE WALKING DEAD hadn’t followed their own rules. Earlier in the season, the zombies could smell. Now they couldn’t smell. I felt cheated as shit.
Zombie fans are sticklers for The Rules in a way that fans of other horror genres aren’t. Vampires go to the beach in broad daylight and nobody gives a damn. Silver bullets are optional when killing werewolves, mainly because it’s really hard to come up with silver bullets. Zombie fans care about The Rules because they are actually compiling their own survival guides while they are being entertained. You have to be careful about The Rules. People are paying attention. Close attention.
Later, on THE TALKING DEAD, I heard a member of the show’s creative team respond to the criticism over the You-Said-That- Zombies-Can-Smell-And Then-You-Said-They-Can’t-Smell issue. He said something like, “We never said that zombies are bloodhounds. We’ve never had zombies sniffing people out.” I got mad all over again. ZOMBIES WOULD HAVE TO NOT HAVE ANY SENSE OF SMELL AT ALL TO NOT SMELL T-DOG GUSHING BLOOD, AND YOU TOLD US BEFORE THAT THEY COULD SMELL PEOPLE!
But somewhere along the line, I gave it up. It’s not like there is ANOTHER zombie show I can watch. I have to watch the only zombie show there is. I can’t NOT watch the only zombie show there is. And that led to me relaxing other rules I generally have about my entertainment just so I could watch THE WALKING DEAD.
Rules about character continuity. Relaxed. Lori went to town alone to tell Hershel that his daughter was sick in spite of the fact that the men had gone into town to find Hershel because Hershel’s daughter was sick. Now, Lori would NEVER, EVER chance her son losing both parents. EVER. She is the character who is LEAST likely to go off alone on a ridiculous errand. And, beep beep, there she went. I was mildly annoyed, but I dealt.
Rules about maintaining a decent, believable plot in general. Relaxed. The only person who was still on Shane’s side by the end of Season 2 was Andrea. Nobody really trusted Shane. Almost all of them feared Shane. Yet the entire group was horrified when Rick confessed that he’d killed Shane. The reason they turned against Rick was the producers needed them to turn against Rick to set up what is going to happen in Season 3. Again, I dealt.
And I’ll probably keep right on dealing. THE WALKING DEAD is my soap opera. I’m like my grandma with her “stories” that she had to watch every single weekday, with people coming back to town with different faces to avenge themselves against their evil twins who’d stolen their husbands. Grandma knew that shit wasn’t real. THE WALKING DEAD isn’t real. BUT THEY’D BETTER WATCH THE RULES, THIS SEASON! OR I’LL BE MAD! I’ll watch. But I’ll be mad.
I, personally, follow the rules with my zombie fiction. Check out the great review of my ebook, ZOMBIES TAKE MANHATTAN!