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Amazon, The Zombie Apocalypse, World Domination, and Junk Mail

junkdrunkcoverAmazon bought Goodreads. It was big news. Goodreads is a popular social network where readers connect with each other, connect with authors, and review and recommend books.  It’s a very active community. Amazon wants to incorporate the site into their Kindle tablets, and the easiest way to do that was to buy the site.

Amazon’s purchase of Goodreads created some hysteria.  What would happen to the site?  Would it essentially become another arm of Amazon? Would Amazon basically be spying on people to learn what they like to read?  Eh, I don’t know.  I think we are all plenty spied on by merchants, especially online.  I don’t expect to keep my preferences private when I’m wandering all through cyberspace.

Amazon has already changed the world of books.  Basically, Amazon has made traditional publishing companies poop themselves.  No longer do new writers have to bang their heads on the doors of those hallowed halls.  They can publish their own books, and sell them.  Established writers are wandering off the farm, too.  They are self publishing both their old and their new material.  In addition to books, Amazon sells virtually everything you could ever hope to buy, and they are even stepping on eBay’s toes by letting at-home vendors sell. 

So, Jaye Manus and I were discussing this and, frankly, laughing about it, when we started saying, “What if Amazon REALLY took over?”  Thus was born JUNK MAIL, my vision of Amazon making the zombie apocalypse a little more survivable. It’s a twenty-something page short story, and it’s available as an ebook through, of course, Amazon.com

Special shout out to Jaye.  She’s writer, she’s an ebook genius, and she’s a fun, fun girl. Together, we plot our own version of world domination, and it’s a blast. 

Marina Bridges’s Zombie Report: Uh, No, It’s Not, Sorry

Jaye here…

I asked Marina if she had a new zombie report for her readers. She threw a shoe at my head and made a growling noise that made the hair lift on the back of my neck.

Huh.

You see, she’s writing a new zombie story. We’re really hoping to have it finished before Christmas (she writes, I edit and produce). Apparently, my asking if she’s done yet (or asking her to write more posts for this blog) has the same effect as my kids screaming from the backseat of the car: “Are we there yet?!?” (It’s her own fault. I love Zombies Take Manhattan and I’m a greedy reader and, much like zombies, some is never enough.)

She did say if I was really, really good and quit bugging the snot out of her, she’ll let me read her work in progress on Monday. Well, shoot. That means I have to be good all weekend. That’s iffy.

It also means I can’t talk about the new story. I can say it has zombies in it. And, best of all, it features one of my favorite characters. Anything else, my lips are zipped.

That’s not much of a zombie report.

Zombie news, zombie news… I’ve already beaten my disappointment in The Walking Dead to death (I suggested to Marina that she include a scene where Rick and Carl show up in NYC and get eaten–oddly enough she didn’t think that was a grand idea…writers, hmmph). I did find a Jeff McComsey GUTTERS comic strip called “8 Easy Steps To Create a Walking Dead Storyline” that was pretty good. I read Jonathan Maberry’s Dead of Night, which was horrendously creepy and disturbing and gave me nightmares–meaning I loved it. I also watched (again) one of my favorite zombie movies

DANCE OF THE DEAD!

Maybe not the classic that Night of the Living Dead is, but it cracks me up every single time.

So zombie report fans, you have my sympathy. You, like me, will have to wait until Marina comes up for air. It’ll be worth the wait.

Whistling, twiddling my thumbs, being good…

The Walking Dead Season 3 and THE RULES – Marina’s Zombie Report

THE WALKING DEAD is returning to AMC this Sunday night, the zenith of a two day marathon of the past two seasons.  Am I excited?  You bet your ass I am. 

However,  I’m also apprehensive. I remember the red coal hot barbeque fork tines of disappointment that poked my eyes out during the Season 2 premiere when the zombie herd staggered right past the bleeding T-Dog.  In Season 1, characters had covered themselves in zombie guts so they could walk through Atlanta.  The team that produces THE WALKING DEAD hadn’t followed their own rules.  Earlier in the season, the zombies could smell.  Now they couldn’t smell.  I felt cheated as shit.

Zombie fans are sticklers for The Rules in a way that fans of other horror genres aren’t.  Vampires go to the beach in broad daylight and nobody gives a damn.  Silver bullets are optional when killing werewolves, mainly because it’s really hard to come up with silver bullets.  Zombie fans care about The Rules because they are actually compiling their own survival guides while they are being entertained.  You have to be careful about The Rules.  People are paying attention.  Close attention.

Later, on THE TALKING DEAD, I heard a member of the show’s creative team respond to the criticism over the You-Said-That- Zombies-Can-Smell-And Then-You-Said-They-Can’t-Smell issue.  He said something like, “We never said that zombies are bloodhounds.  We’ve never had zombies sniffing people out.”  I got mad all over again.  ZOMBIES WOULD HAVE TO NOT HAVE ANY SENSE OF SMELL AT ALL TO NOT SMELL T-DOG GUSHING BLOOD, AND YOU TOLD US BEFORE THAT THEY COULD SMELL PEOPLE!

But somewhere along the line, I gave it up.  It’s not like there is ANOTHER zombie show I can watch.  I have to watch the only zombie show there is.  I can’t NOT watch the only zombie show there is.  And that led to me relaxing other rules I generally have about my entertainment just so I could watch THE WALKING DEAD. 

Rules about character continuity.  Relaxed.  Lori went to town alone to tell Hershel that his daughter was sick in spite of the fact that the men had gone into town to find Hershel because Hershel’s daughter was sick.  Now, Lori would NEVER, EVER chance her son losing both parents.  EVER.   She is the character who is LEAST likely to go off alone on a ridiculous errand.  And, beep beep, there she went.  I was mildly annoyed, but I dealt.

Rules about maintaining a decent, believable plot in general.  Relaxed.  The only person who was still on Shane’s side by the end of Season 2 was Andrea.  Nobody really trusted Shane.  Almost all of them feared Shane.  Yet the entire group was horrified when Rick confessed that he’d killed Shane.  The reason  they turned against Rick was the producers needed them to turn against Rick to set up what is going to happen in Season 3.  Again, I dealt.

And I’ll probably keep right on dealing.  THE WALKING DEAD is my soap opera.  I’m like my grandma with her “stories” that she had to watch every single weekday, with people coming back to town with different faces to avenge themselves against their evil twins who’d stolen their husbands.  Grandma knew that shit wasn’t real.    THE WALKING DEAD isn’t real.  BUT THEY’D BETTER WATCH THE RULES, THIS SEASON!  OR I’LL BE MAD!  I’ll watch.  But I’ll be mad.

I, personally, follow the rules with my zombie fiction.  Check out the great review of my ebook, ZOMBIES TAKE MANHATTAN!

Marina Bridge’s Zombie Report: Got Weapons?

Guns are fun. I like them myself. Many were the hours I’ve spent plinking away at tin cans. I don’t have a gun now. I know I live in America, but I don’t have anywhere to shoot a gun. So I don’t own a gun.

A gun would probably come in handy in the aftermath of most kinds of apocalypses, but guns are THE zombie apocalypse weapon because the traditional way to kill a traditional zombie for good and all is to destroy its brain. A gun affords a zombie slayer the distance necessary to avoid zombie bites while destroying zombie brains. A zombie slayer with a gun doesn’t necessarily have to be in fabulous shape to destroy zombie brains, since pointing and shooting is a lot easier than cracking skulls up close and personal. Provided the zombie slayer can shoot (and you aren’t a good shot just because you play a lot of video games, no matter what you think), the gun is the ideal zombie apocalypse weapon for the average citizen.

So you get yourself a gun and then… You might not be near your gun when the zombie apocalypse starts. Most zombie apocalypse survival kits rely heavily on the idea that the owners will be at home when the rotting, animated corpses hit the fan. I suspect that most of us will be at work or a bar.  Say you are home and have the luxury of holing up with your bottled water and MREs and guns and unlimited ammo… You say you don’t have unlimited ammo? Even if you think you do, you don’t. Unless civilization recovers pretty quickly, the whole world is going to run out of ammo. The stupidest zombie apocalypse survival strategy I’ve ever seen was the target practice on AMC’s The Walking Dead.  The characters wasted their finite amount of ammo teaching people how to shoot.

This brings us to a list of

BEST NON-GUN ZOMBIE APOCALYPSE SURVIVAL WEAPONS

DARYL DIXON’S CROSSBOW

The Walking Dead is getting this right. Quiet, efficient, and badass, Daryl stays in bolts by retrieving the bolts that he shoots, but it’s not a stretch to imagine him making his own bolts.

MACHETES, AXES, BIG KNIVES, SPEARS

This Zombie from the original Dawn Of The Dead has a splitting headache.  A machete works pretty much until you lose it.  Remember to keep it sharpened.

CORDLESS POWER TOOLS
Many power tools are cordless these days. Set up a solar recharging station, and you can be just like this Michonne action figure.

LAWNMOWER

The finale’ weapon in Peter Jackson’s Dead Alive. This weapon does require strong arms and a strong stomach.

Hell, watching this clip from the movie requires a strong stomach.

There are a million more weapons, including ordinary household objects, that could be used in the event of a zombie apocalypse.

In my own ebook, ZOMBIES TAKE MANHATTAN!, stagehands use pieces of a theatrical fly system to kill zombies. The sky’s the limit. Don’t count on your gun to save you.  Start looking at those staplers and aerosol cans with fresh eyes!

 

 

Special question from DD1 to you, Marina. She sez: You know the saying, “What happens in Vegas, stays in Vegas,” right? So, DD1 asks you, oh great and wise Zombie Expert: “If the zombie apocalypse starts in Vegas, does it stay in Vegas?”

Marina Bridges’s Zombie Report: While Waiting for The Walking Dead

As the temperature skyrockets and thunderstorms rage (except for where there are wildfires raging and rain would be nice), and people in Florida continue to bite each other,  I wonder why the hell any adult would look forward to summer. I’m hot and I’m bored because, in addition to everything else that’s shitty about summer, we don’t get new episodes of The Walking Dead until fall.

Last night, I got an unexpected gift from my television set.  The Mist was showing on the Syfy channel. I watched it years ago with my brother and I enjoyed it, but I didn’t remember details. I remembered prehistoric bugs and a supermarket and one of the most depressing endings in the history of depressing movie endings. I wasn’t watching the movie, this time.  I just had it on as background noise (I obviously don’t mind a lot of screaming as background noise), when my ear picked out a familiar voice. It was Andrea (Laurie Holden) from The Walking Dead!  I thought it was cool to see Andrea and went about my movie-ignoring business until I heard yet ANOTHER familiar voice. This time, it was Dale (Jeffrey McDunn). Carol (Melissa McBride), is in there, too. Frank Darabont, who has directed episodes of The Walking Dead and is also an executive producer, directed The Mist.  It’s an adaptation of a Stephen King story, and it’s an entertaining movie, in an apocalyptic way.

So, to get a little taste of fall, check out The Mist!

If you need zombies before fall, check out my ebook book, Zombies Take Manhattan!

 

Marina Bridges’s Zombie Report: Zombies For Girls

So a little while back, Marina showed me this: Make Your Own Zombie Barbie. I thought that was swell, especially since I wouldn’t even have to wreck collectible Barbies (and freak some people out). I have several Barbie dolls the cat has already wrecked–he thinks little Barbie fingers are delicious chew toys. The subject came back up again. I’m not sure which one of us bemoaned how too much zombie stuff is for boys (probably Marina because I’m the gun porn nut) which sent Marina on a quest.

I’ll let Marina take it from here.

Far too often, women end up in the backseat of the zombie apocalypse survivor SUV. They are expected to do the shit work. They nurse the bitten until they are attacked by the very patients they’ve been nursing. They become rest and recreation stations for horny roving motorcycle gangs. They are expected to repopulate the whole damned earth, whether that’s what they went to college for or not. Worst of all, they have to keep their fellow survivors’ clothes clean and stomachs sort of full. On The Walking Dead, Lori revels in her role as penis wiper. She sneers at Andrea when Andrea shows interest in what Lori considers to be man’s work, like sitting lookout, which nobody else is doing, especially now that Dale is dead.

(If I may interject. I think the perfect role for Lori in the next season is Zombie Bait. Tie her up, dangle her from a tree branch, then when the zombies come… But maybe that’s just me.)

Anybody who has seen a couple of high school girls get into a serious cat fight knows that women can be formidable foes. When and if the zombie apocalypse hits, I’m looking for a group of mean girls to join. In the meantime, there is a whole world of zombie products for girls to explore and enjoy.

This one seems nasty to me. Zombie Juice Perfume. The ingredients sound like they probably all smell good together, but the name bothers even me.

Zombie Juice Perfume
Available on Etsy

For the girl who is interested in nesting and is house proud, Melissa Christie offers this FABULOUS sheet set.

I Never Sleep Alone Sheet Set

Finally, when she meets the man (or woman) she will protect for better or for worse, until infection do them part, many bakeries are making terrific zombie wedding cakes!

photo Juxtapoz Magazine

Jaye, again. All that stuff sounds like tons of fun. I know the one thing this girly-girl (who only occasionally acts like a 14-year-old boy) wants for her zombie apocalypse.

While everyone is waiting for the zombies to come (or waiting for their order from etsy to arrive) hop over to Amazon or Smashwords and check out Marina’s new book!  Zombies Take Manhattan!

Marina HEARTS Zombies

Zombies HEART (eating) New York!


Available at Amazon
Available at Smashwords

For Those Who Missed The Zombie Report…

Regulars may have noticed a certain… person slacked off yesterday and didn’t post her zombie report. Put down your demerit books. Marina has an excuse. It’s even better than ‘the dog ate my homework’ or even ‘I was kidnapped by aliens.’

She finished the book.

Yes. She did.

FINISHED THE BOOK!

That’s right, folks! Zombies Take Manhattan! is in the can, on the fly and it’s for real! Last night we uploaded it to Amazon and today we’ll be uploading at other e-tailers. You can watch for links as the book goes live in other places.

UPDATE! The books is now available through Smashwords. Yay!

I ♥ New York!

Five stories, one great city, and millions and millions of zombies.

 New York City is the greatest city in the world—and then the zombies come.

 The apocalypse begins at the sideshow on Coney Island. A disgraced ex-cop takes the ride of his life in “Wheel of Wonder.”

 “Times Square Is For Tourists,” thinks a timid stage manager. The heart of Manhattan seems like the ultimate hell—until the tourists start eating each other and she learns the true meaning of terror.

 Off-Broadway stagehands prepare for a “Siege” on a theatre roof. With zombies milling below and the sun beating down from above, the question becomes can they survive each other?

 Residents of a high rise apartment building are running low on supplies. In “A Trip To The Drugstore,” a gentle man has to leave his erstwhile sanctuary in order to obtain life-saving drugs.

Back on Coney Island, “The Child of Child’s” survives by ravaged wits and dwindling supplies. An approaching helicopter could signal rescue, or maybe just the assurance she won’t die alone.

 Zombies ♥ New York!

But hey, just because Marina is once again a big-shot author, it’s back to work today and she’s working on a new zombie report. Watch this space. And for Pete’s sake, watch out for zombies! Those boogers will eat your eye out.

Marina Bridges’s Zombie Report: Things To Do While You’re Dead

Actually, that should be, things to do while you’re waiting for The Walking Dead to hurry back and start a new season. Are you bored, Marina? It’s pretty tough waiting for the zombies to swing back around your way. After sharpening your axe, stocking up on bullets and making sure you have enough canned fruit cocktail and Spam to keep you fueled through the zombie apocalypse, what is there to do?

I do miss The Walking Dead. Sunday nights have been so boring that I was actually watching The Celebrity Apprentice. The only brain that got eaten was mine. Arsenio Hall won? Really? Can you think of one thing that Arsenio Hall does better than anyone else? No? I can. He’s a FEEnominal butt kisser. He got famous for kissing Eddie Murphy’s butt, but he threw his fame away and now he wants his fame back. He found a BIG way to kiss butt on Celebrity Apprentice. He kissed Donald Trump’s butt and Magic Johnson’s butt and his own dead cousin’s butt. Now Celebrity Apprentice is over and I can’t even watch that and bitch about it. Well, I can still bitch about it, obviously, but that is going to have limited appeal, as time marches on.

**DO NOT CLICK ANY LINKS THAT ORDINARY CITIZENS HAVE POSTED ON THE WALKING DEAD SOCIAL GAME’S FACEBOOK PAGE. APPARENTLY SOME PEOPLE ARE PREYING ON OUR MISERY AND HAVE POSTED VIRUS-INFECTED LINKS.**

Then I remembered…wasn’t Facebook supposed to have some sort of social game based on The Walking Dead? Didn’t I “Like” that page incredibly early (I think I was number 20,586)? So I trotted over to the Walking Dead Social Game Facebook page and found…bullshit. They’ve recruited some test players (not ME, obviously), and the game that was supposed to be released in April hasn’t been released yet. BUT…they’ve given us a little preview video. Which looks like bullshit, frankly. I see little people running around and killing zombies and zzzzz. If I wanted to play a game like that, there are a lot better games like that to play than what I saw in the video. I’m hoping they’ll add some…farming or something.

If you want to add your voice to the bitching, head over to Facebook. But get in line. The page has over 390,000 “Likes” that are turning into “Dislikes.”

**DO NOT CLICK ANY LINKS THAT ORDINARY CITIZENS HAVE POSTED ON THE WALKING DEAD SOCIAL GAMES FACEBOOK PAGE. APPARENTLY SOME PEOPLE ARE PREYING ON OUR MISERY AND HAVE POSTED VIRUS-INFECTED LINKS.**

Until Facebook actually releases the game, you and your zombie loving friends can make do with this, Oh, No…Zombies! board game..

Thanks, Marina, maybe after I finish producing your new zombie story collection, Zombies Take Manhattan, and get it uploaded live Amazon and Smashwords so everybody can read it and join the fun, then I’ll have time for zombie board games.

Available soon at a fine e-tailer near you! We’re counting down the days!

Marina Bridges’s Zombie Report: Zombies in Toyland

ZOMBIES IN MY CLOSET!!

Jaye wants me to call this post “Zombies In Toyland.” That’s a good title, but the zombies aren’t in Toyland. They are in my closet.

(For the record, Jaye rarely gets what she wants, unless she acts in a sly, sneaky, subversive manner and goes ahead and gives the post the title she thought of, then thinks about it and puts a subtitle in, which is actually what people will pay attention to anyway.)

I hoard toys. It’s an obsession I developed after I sold some vintage Star Wars action figures on eBay for a friend. He made a tidy profit. It would have been an incredible profit, but sometime in the 1980s he tore a corner from every single bubble away from every single card so he could poke the little plastic Luke Skywalkers and Darth Vaders and Han Solos with a finger. I will never understand it as long as I live. I hope those pokes were worth thousands of dollars, because that’s what they cost him. The value of toys is often (stupidly) in the packaging. Mint condition packaging is the real rarity, not the toy itself. What a poke will cost you aside (and they’ve cost billions of divorcees plenty, believe you me), I wondered if I could pull off a similar financial windfall by collecting some toys for future sale. Cheaper than playing the stock market and a helluva lot more fun. If they turn out to be stinkers, I can always give them to Goodwill and take a tax deduction.

(Okay, fine, my little asides are kind of dumb, but this is so Marina knows. I collect Breyer horses. And I play with them. I throw away the boxes and dress them up and put beads on them and sometimes daub them with paint. In the distant future some collector is going to curse my name. Heh.)

I buy toys dispassionately. I often don’t like the toys I buy. I buy them with an eye toward their future desirability. 1968 Television Batmobile Hot Wheels? I got a billion of ‘em. I picked them up whenever I saw one on the Walmart Hot Wheels rack. I don’t like them, I think they are stupid. They don’t really look like the Batmobile from the Adam West television show. They have doubled in value in a very short period of time. They were a good buy, and someday I’ll unload them.

When I heard that McFarlane (one of the better action figure manufacturers) was going to release a series of AMC’s The Walking Dead figures, of course I had to have those. Those are going to go up in value for sure. Back then (less than a year ago) Series One was available for pre-order. Series One is always a biggie with toys. By the time Series II comes around and some fans realize that the figures even exist, they’ll be shit out of luck on buying a Daryl Dixon With Crossbow from a store. They’ll have to buy it from me. For a lot more than I paid. It’s already happening.

I ordered my figures from The Big Bad Toy Store, and I spent a little extra dough to upgrade to Collector’s Grade because IT’S ALL ABOUT THE PACKAGING. I got Sheriff Rick Grimes and Daryl Dixon With Crossbow and a couple of zombies. At least I think that’s what I got. See, when my order arrived, with the figures individually boxed in plain cardboard boxes, I didn’t open the individual cardboard boxes. I didn’t want to risk ruining the cards and the bubbles. I want them safe and sound and in mint condition for a long, long time. Or at least until I can get at least $100 a pop for them.

The stupid thing about this is I finally have some toys that I would enjoy looking at and possibly displaying (no, I would not play with them…okay, I might play with them).

(Ha! You know you would, Marina. Ooh, I have a beat up Breyer that would look great as a zombie horse. A little plastic clay, some paint…)

I can’t even see them. I have four cardboard boxes to look at and display and play with, and that’s way too much like me being a toddler (which I’m not) rather than me being a pre-teen boy (which I’m also not). Hell, the Big Bad Toy Store could have sent me four boxes with some Littlest Pet Shop shit in them, and I’d have no way of knowing. Irony is a cruel, brain eating, zombie mistress.

On a happier note, variants rock and my friend Dee sent me Bloody Black and White Rick Grimes for my birthday! No, I don’t play with it. Much.

(I bet you snuggle it and kiss it, Marina, and dress it up.)

If you would like to join me in zombie toy speculation, Series II of AMC’s The Walking Dead McFarlane action figures are up for pre-order!

Important tip for collectors: If you should start collecting toys and develop a compulsive need to open corners of packaging to poke them, remember that it will be far cheaper in the long run to get one to keep and one to poke.

Jaye here: Speaking of poking, I’ve poked Marina into finishing her story collection, Zombies Take Manhattan! It’ll be up and available for your reading pleasure within a few weeks. Watch this post for the big launch announcement!

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