Children make me nervous. I won’t go so far as to say they frighten me. It’s more the same way cats make me nervous. It’s the way they look at you and you know they’re thinking, “Damn it, if only I could read life insurance policies and be sure I’m listed as a beneficiary. Then that old broad is toast.”
With that kind of thought always running around in the back of my head, it’s no surprise that children in horror movies scare the piss out of me.
So of course Marina’s zombie report this week is about one of the scariest characters ever.
MARINA: Last week, our Zombie Report did a Where Are They Now on Helicopter Zombie from Dawn Of The Dead. This week, we (She! Marina decided so I had to look at that movie clip!) decided to look up Trowel Girl from the classic that started it all, Night Of The Living Dead. It can be argued that there had been frightening children in movies before 1968. The glow-eyed smarty pants in Village Of The Damned and Patty McCormack’s mean-ass little Bad Seed come to mind. But Kyra Schon paddled them all and sent them to bed when, as zombiefied Karen Cooper, she ate her own father’s arm (he was her real father in real life) and then stabbed her on-screen mother to death with a garden trowel in the basement of the most famous Pennsylvania farm house that ever was.
Although Jaye and I both fear children in general (I didn’t say fear, exactly, I said they make me nervous, but only because I’m smart enough to realize what they are probably up to) I can’t help but feel sorry for show business children, especially horror movie children. Of course they agree to do whatever they’re asked, and I’m sure that most of them agree cheerfully. Children don’t have the life experience to foresee a lifetime of notoriety and nightmares. Kyra seems to have come to well-adjusted terms with her famous childhood role. She makes appearances at horror conventions, she is a member of the zombie movie community, and she has some cool dolls of Karen Cooper to sell. She also makes cute greeting cards that star her rescue dog, Spiffy.
Move over, Sophia from The Walking Dead. All you ever did was walk out of a barn. Trowel Girl killed then and she kills now.
ME: Thank you, Marina. (Can I call you at two in the morning when I’m having nightmares because I watched that clip?)
To further my education in zombie fiction, Marina urged me to try another of her found treasures. The Zombie Wilson Diaries, by Timothy W. Long. Fortunately, there are no creepy, spooky children in it. There are a lot of very funny (if you considered sick and twisted to be funny) illustrations and gross scenes. It’s a pretty funny take on zombies. For the recommendation, I will forgive Marina for making me watching Trowel Girl do her nasty, scary thing.
And if you want to try Marina’s brand of zombie fiction, you can find her short story, Wheel of Wonder on Amazon.